So today, there’s nothing all too exciting to report other than a failed footwear purchase. I had bought a new pair of heels before Christmas, a sort of gift to me from me, the Impede Slingback from Payless. Despite my excitement about finally having a properly sized slingback in the closet, I got the wrong size! Booo! I sent them back for a refund rather than for an exchange, so I’m still keeping my eyes open for a slingback I like. I may just re-order these in my proper size though, so we’ll see.

the impede slingback from payless that i, sadly, had to return

Anyway… sometime in December the kineticonfessions blog topped 1,000 hits! As a thanks to my few readers, I present to you a belated holiday gift! Thanks to everyone, keep commenting (please!), and I’ll be back soon with more of my past stories and other nonsense!

split tie-neck jersey dress and opaque black tights, both from old navy

ps. notice I’ve got some hips in my most recent photos!

I have noticed a slight change in her routine though, which I think signals her acknowledgment and perhaps acceptance. For the fall semester, she’s had classes during the evenings only, Monday through Thursday. I tend to get home from work shortly after she leaves for school so we miss each other until she gets home from school sometimes as late as 11:00pm. So what’s changed? She takes the bus home from school, about a 30 minute trip. I’ve noticed that since we had our talk a few months ago, she always calls or texts me, “Just to say hello,” or something similar. This never happened at the beginning of the semester. I suspect that it’s a way for her to give me a heads up that she’ll be home soon and if I was dressed, it gives me time to get changed back into boy-mode. Thoughtful of her, no?

But anyway… what else has happened since then? Well, I was tired of having man-hips under my slim pants or my dress. Part of the image I’ve always had of myself is with subtle yet generous curves. I added to the wishlist over the summer a padded brief from Bubbles Bodywear, and I finally bought it back in October. I’ve also added a few new items to the wardrobe, but let’s just go one at a time, OK?

sporting the new padded brief (and the waist cincher) under an American Apparel-like look; scooop neck red top, tie-front short lounge shorts, opaque black tights, and my favorite heels

That’s all for today… enjoy! And I’ll be back before the holiday, don’t you worry.

Well needless to say, my heart stopped for a moment when she said we need to talk. I knew it was coming, and it made sense: this was probably the perfect moment for it. As much as I was hoping it would never happen, here we were about ready to jump in.

The floor is decidedly mine at this point, as I’ve got a lotta splainin’ to do, right? Before getting into everything, I first made sure that she knew how much I loved her, how happy I am with her, and how much I cannot wait to marry her. Further, I made sure she knew again that if the end result is that she wants me to stop, I will stop without a doubt.

With all of that said, I mentioned also that I am sincerely and deeply apologetic for hiding my crossdressing from her for so long. She asked why I hadn’t told her long ago and my response was of course that I feared losing her because of something that is construed by so many to be really, really weird. Again, at this point I had to make sure that she didn’t forget how sorry I was to have lied (right? hiding something for that long could be thought of as lying I guess…) to her for so long and that because it’s really weird (making fun of myself there a bit, too), I was too afraid of losing her years ago.

Over the next half hour or so, we continued to talk about just us, what happens to us, and what we can expect to happen to us in the future. Again, I love you, I still want to marry you, and I still want to spend the rest of my life with you… and my crossdressing shouldn’t change anything but if it does, I’ll stop immediately, no questions asked. I remember asking if she was worried that I would end up like Chandler’s father in Friends (can I get at least a chuckle?). One of her greatest concerns was that in the future, I change drastically and confuse family and children, alienating myself from the ones I love and confusing matters for all involved. Well, though we cannot predict the future, we can at least share expectations, and at this point in my life, I have no desire or plan to actually live full time en femme, nor go beyond that to any sort of surgical procedures. OK… we move onward.

At some point, we had moved outside to our balcony so we could have some cigarettes while talking. The tone was excellent the whole time; a discussion, not an interrogation (I applaud my future wife for handling this all so well… could have gone much, much worse). So anyway, we talked about how she discovered everything and put it all together. She mentioned that that night earlier in the week, she wasn’t fully asleep when I crept into the bedroom. When I was at work the next day, she went through a few of my drawers (which she actually apologized for doing!) and found some of my things, and she also found my high heels in our closet (yes, the Dexter Mayflower pumps!). At that point, we had such a good vibe going in the conversation that when she said she found my high heels, I said, “Damn, I was kind of hoping you would never see those because I think you’d be jealous that I have them and not you!” She laughed… and agreed!

We talked a bit about how I started… she was worried that I started crossdressing because of her, which is way not the case. When I explained that I’ve been crossdressing since even before high school, she felt better, but the question “why?” still remains. Though I still struggle with this sometimes myself, I mentioned that some people are born with some sort of intrinsic understanding about the opposite sex… can’t really explain where it comes from, but it’s there (I’ve read this before, but I can’t remember where). She was able to cite my ability to help her shop for clothes and our habit of people-watching (and critiquing women) as examples of where this understanding shows though. Bravo! Then of course, there’s the part about how it just feels good and comfortable… and sexy. I don’t even have to or want to wear lingerie to feel that way. I mean, most of my clothes are pants and shirts, and one long dress, but the look and feel (especially high heels) all feels, well, great. Though she doesn’t quite understand that part, she can at least nod her head.

Then, finally, “What the heck do you do when you’re dressed?” Well, not that much… I step out onto our balcony for a cigarette, cook dinner for myself, and basically just sit on the couch and watch television. It’s really very unexciting, except for the whole balcony part. That kind of ties back into the “why” part… there’s just something thrilling about someone seeing me out there (is anyone looking anyway? I don’t know… but I think so.) and thinking that I’m really a woman. It gives a rush of excitement and really does make me feel sexy. Weird, but fair enough…

Several times throughout the talk, I called crossdressing, and myself, weird and odd (it is a bit anyway… not quite a “mainstream” thing to do is all I’m really getting at) to try to keep things light and jovial if I could. We were both very relaxed the whole time, though I had a few bouts with my nerves. It’s tough to spill all of this stuff out to the woman you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, never mind the fact that it’s the first time I’ve ever talked about it with anyone that I know. So at this point, she doesn’t necessarily want to hang out around the apartment with me while I’m dressed, but at least she acknowledges and is comfortable with the fact that it’s there and that it’s something I do.

Over the course of those two hours, we both laughed, nodded, smiled, shook our heads in confusion, nodded our heads in understanding, and basically talked a very good talk. Both exhausted, we gave each other a long hug and kiss, and held each other for a few moments. I again apologized for hiding this from her but wanted to make absolutely sure that she knew how much I love her, need her, and want to be with her. She agreed completely and when I mentioned one last time that I would stop immediately if she ever wanted me to, she flatly said no. Now knowing it’s something I enjoy doing, she wouldn’t want me to resent her in the future for making me stop. Amazing…

As we do every other night of the week, we both went off to bed together, as happy and comfortable with each other as we’ve ever been only now knowing each other that much more. If this hadn’t pulled us apart, it’s only made us stronger, right?

The trend is that while out drinking, I get the urge to throw on heels and put on my bra and breastforms when I get home and just have a smoke on our balcony, maybe two. Well, this requires me waiting for my fiancee to fall asleep so I can sneak into the bedroom and grab my garb.

So last Monday night, I arrive home and greet my fiancee, waiting in bed but ready to go to sleep. I went into the living room to watch a bit of TV while I hoped she would fall asleep. After a while, I quietly went into the bedroom and when I opened the door and didn’t see or hear her move, I figured the coast was clear. Into the closet I went to get my heels, then back into the room to my dresser for my bra and forms. I scurried out to the living room and got changed and just hung out for a bit, had a cigarette, then changed back, quietly put my things away, and climbed into bed. Nothing to worry about, right?

The next day after she got home from work, we exchanged some emails and I just felt that her tone in them sounded off; not quite her normal self. I made a comment about it in one of our emails and she kind of brushed it off. Concerned, I stepped out from the office and gave her a call. Again, on the phone she was being very short, sounded like she was crying, and when I asked “what’s wrong,” kept responding that we will “talk about it later.”

After more baiting and telling her that she was freaking me out (which she was), I got her to open up a bit. She asked what I did last night. I responded that I went to the baseball game, bumped into the guys, and went out for a drink with them afterward. She responded back, asking what I did when we got home.

I think my heart skipped a beat when I realized what she was referring to. Admittedly, I was kind of expecting this because she sounded so not like herself, but still, it’s a bit of a shock when the realization becomes clear.

After about twenty minutes on the phone, I had gotten her to calm down by apologizing profusely for keeping this from her for so long (she said several times that she wished I had just been open about it long ago… easier said than done!). Her initial questions were more about our future together and my intentions with crossdressing. I kept reiterating that she is all I have and all I want, that I owe her an open discussion about this without any secrets and that if she ever wanted me to stop, I would without even thinking about it. All true points and I think that by continuing to say these things, she started to feel a bit better. Before we hung up so I could go back to work, we agreed that we need to talk about this soon in much greater detail so I could answer all of her questions.

Well, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights, she is in class until late. Usually by the time she gets home, after 11:00 PM, she’s exhausted and gets into bed as quick as possible. Through Friday night, the rest of the week went by almost as if Tuesday afternoon’s phone conversation had never even happened. I was beginning to think that the discussion was never going to happen.

Friday evening when I got home from work, we went out to our neighborhood bar, as is routine. We each had a stressful and un-fun week at work, so a few beers and shots did us both well, helping us relax and put work behind us. We got home shortly before midnight and sat on the couch, carrying on for just a few minutes longer a conversation that had begun at the bar. After a short break in conversation, she starts to say something in a different, definitely more serious tone…

“Baby, we need to talk.”

…continued with The Talk: How it ended…

But anyway… now that that part is over, up next is a more in depth conversation about the whole affair. At least the ice is broken.

I know it had to be absolutely incredibly late (like 400am late) because I never would have done this otherwise, but I opened my apartment door and peeked out into the hallway. No one there. I looked to my right, saw the door to the exit stair and took a few steps out of my apartment. I slowly turned the handle and pushed the door open. Before I stepped into the stairwell, I listened for footsteps, but heard none.

I pressed onward… slowly stepping down the stairs to the basement level. The large chunky high heels made their trademark clank on the metal stairs as I continued, but I still didn’t hear anything or anyone else. I got down to the basement level and turned down the long hallway towards the side exit, my heels again clicking as my stride sped up and developed rhythm. I approached the door to the outside world and hesitated. My heart was racing, part nervous from what I was about to do and part excited from the look and feel of my clothes and the sound of my high heels so far.

This side exit door would sometimes get stuck on the door jamb and stay party open enough so you could re-enter. That was my plan, but if it failed I would have to submit and enter the building through the main or rear entrance. The chance of being caught was exponentially higher at those two entrances, so I was scared if something went wrong. But still, I continued…

I pushed the door open, peeked outside and saw no cars moving and no people anywhere. I took a step outside and slowly guided the door to its resting spot against the jamb, still partially open. I did a quick scan of the surroundings and didn’t see any lights on inside any apartments in my building or the others in the complex, and I started to walk. That’s all that I really wanted to do, anyway. Just walk.

I followed the concrete sidewalk around to the back of the building, continued around two wings and up the hill on the other side. Approaching the front of the building now, I was coming up to the main drive around the whole complex as well as a driveway that led to a small spur of parking between a few of the buildings. I turned down the drive to head towards the front of my building, planning on walking past and back down the hill towards the door I had used to step outside. That’s when I saw my shadow creep out in front of me and slowly grow longer and darker. A car was coming behind me…

The feeling I had was unreal… for the whole time up until then, I was excited, turned on, and totally aroused. But when I realized what was happening, I freaked out. I picked up my pace down the hill, past the main entrance to my building. Behind me, I can hear the car coming but just before I feel it’s going to pass me, it turns off the main drive down the spur between buildings. A wave of relief comes over me as I feel I went unnoticed, and then I heard it. beep beeeep. There were two short honks on the horn from the car before it disappeared around the building and I knew that they were directed at me.

Who were they honking at? Were they honking at me? Oh dear god… they saw me. Wait, they saw me. And honked!

The feelings of fear quickly subsided and I became excited again almost instantly. That someone had seen me, albeit from behind, but still felt that a honk was appropriate was such a turn-on, I felt accomplished, but even more so, sexy. The last few hundred yards to the door, I slowed my pace again and began to walk with a bit more confidence. I reached the door and moved quickly through the hallway and up the stairs to my apartment, still a bit nervous of being caught face to face by a complete stranger.

When I got into my apartment though, I ran to my room, kicked off my shoes, and went straight to bed with a smile on my face.

All of the pointers that I read seem to suggest that the most critical part of passing occurs from the shoulders up; basically, the rest of your body is irrelevant if you don’t look confident and comfortable enough up top to be convincing. Fair enough, but how is a girl supposed to get on without some curves? I think it’s time to add a padded panty to the wish list.

I found a message board conversation where someone was saying that most padded panties place hip padding too high for crossdressers, basically that they are meant to supplement already existing feminine hips. They had suggested the Classic Curves, a company that fabricates custom-sized body-enhancers specifically for the transgendered. Their enhancers place the hip padding lower, near the top of the leg, for more realistic results. Of course, they are not cheap and thusly well out of my budget.

And so, I turn to the usual suspects, but still just don’t feel really great about any of the products, even from the more reputable places. So I search again, and find the Bubbles Bodywear and Feel Foxy websites. After cruising around and reading some reviews on each website, I’ve noticed that people generally air concerns about four-pad enhancers, saying that they look too bumpy and show through too clearly. A big plus of one of the products from the Bubbles wesite is that it’s only got two pads, each wrapping around from rear to side for a smoother look.

So, from the Bubbles Bodywear website, I hearby add “The Hipee Brief Padded Panty” (picture below) to my wish list. Of course, this particular item is considerably more affordable than some other things on the list and may end up in my wardrobe not too far down the road!

the hipee brief padded panty from bubbles bodywear. umm, i want.

Looking back, after I’ve thought in greater detail about all of this for a few weeks, the moment where I was “caught” earlier this year would/could/should have been the prime time to talk about this further with my girlfriend. But for one reason or another, it just didn’t happen. My being a little bit (ok, a lot) nervous and shaken up following the whole episode didn’t help either. So here I am today… still having not discussed what happened that night or the larger issue, the fact that I am a crossdresser, with my girlfriend fiancee.

Taking into account Janie’s and Gabrielle’s thoughtful advice, here are my thoughts…

• The trust issue/keeping secrets is bad.: that should go without saying. But in a way, it’s not quite a secret anymore, isn’t it? Granted, it should be openly discussed again with my fiancee, but that’s what I’m building myself up to with all of this rambling.

• How important is crossdressing to me? Do I understand why I do it?: These are tough, but necessary questions to consider. I have tried to understand why I dress for a long time, and when I started, it was probably for much different reasons than it is now. But in the end, the only thing that I can conclude is that I enjoy it; it’s not that it feels proper, but it feels good… I’ve always been fascinated by (even jealous of?) the female form, and they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

  It’s fair to say that I’m in touch with my feminine side, the one that boys are raised to suppress as they grow into men, more than “normal”. I’ve always been willing to help my fiancee shop for new clothes (in fact, she prefers that I shop with her, instead of anyone else), and as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I’m intensely curious about what it’s like to actually be a woman. While men are tough, harsh, brutish and… handsome, women are shapely, sexy, classy and elegant, seductive and, well… beautiful.

  I have to admit, the idea of being seen as “beautiful” by someone brings a rush of excitement. I’m pretty sure this was the hook that drew me to crossdress when I first began. But as I’ve grown, my mind wanders to what it feels like for a woman to have sex with a man, the thought of being a woman during sex brings the same rush of excitement (more on that some other time). It’s supplemented my original desire to be seen as beautiful.

• Be prepared for questions and potential fallout.: As much as I love crossdressing and would love to continue to grow in that aspect, the thought of losing my fiancee because of it frightens the shit out of me. Actually, it’s so not even an option (losing her) that I’m willing to give it up, absolutely, no questions asked, if it ever came to that. However, I don’t think it will come to that because of how things have been since I was caught (in essence, a non-issue with her; admittedly, it’s more of a don’t ask/don’t tell kind of situation, but at least she’s still here with me now. That’s got to stand for something, right?). Nonetheless, I’m confident saying that when the topic comes up again, I am definitely prepared to answer the questions she will most certainly have.

• No surprises and timing is everything: OK, don’t worry, I’m not going to come home from work one day, kiss her hello, walk into the bedroom, change into a dress and high heels while she’s sitting on the couch, run out into the living room and yell, “Surprise!” It’s just not going to happen that way. However, I’ve run through my head thousands of different ways to tell her that I crossdress and I’ve got a few solid options. Again, timing is everything, but no matter how good the timing and the chosen conveyance, it’s still something that will take a leap to bring up with her. In a way, it’s almost as nerve wracking as choosing the right time to propose her and then actually getting down on my knee and getting the words to come out.

  And last but not least…

• Good luck, it’s a gift and not a disease!: This is obviously the most comforting piece of advice about the subject, and it makes me think that it actually might fly with my fiancee. I’m not expecting to end up at the point where I go out (ahh!) for drinks with her on a Friday night in girl mode, but I think that if she knows it’s something I enjoy doing, she might be able to accommodate it in some way. Of course, there is the ultimate plus side of a partner that is more in touch with her and the potential to spice up one’s sex life. Who knows…

So, I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get this out, but like I said, I’ve been thinking about it a LOT and I needed the time to kind of synthesize everything together. When the day comes, as nervous as I’ll be, I think I’m ready to handle the discussion. Now, when that actually does happen, I don’t know. But I will definitely keep you all posted.

But first, a quick story… living with my girlfriend has posed a challenge that by now you know is self-imposed: how to dress without her knowing or finding out. Some nights, we’d go out for a few drinks but stay out later and drink more than anticipated. She would often hurry into bed immediately upon arriving at home, a cross between being a bit drunk and definitely exhausted from a long day and late night, while I would stay up for a bit to watch SportsCenter and head to bed well after she has fallen asleep. Over time, I began to notice that I had an hour or two to myself and I started to take those opportunities to slip into some of the less cumbersome pieces of my wardrobe, with breastforms, high heels and all, and just lounge around dressed comfortably (t-shirt and boyshorts usually). I’d even step out onto our balcony to smoke a quick cigarette, unafraid that someone in an adjacent building might be awake and notice me.

I don’t remember exactly when this happened – I think about 7 or 8 months ago (and for the record, I was going to tell this story as part of the “Old Stories” category sometime soon actually) – but one night while dressed in my typical comfy clothes, I fell asleep on the couch. My girlfriend, having been in bed for almost two hours now, felt that I wasn’t there beside her and woke up. (This happens occasionally, where subconsciously she knows I’m not there, wakes up, finds me passed out in the living room, and wakes me up to come to bed.) But this time…

She came out to the living room and saw me there on the couch… Boyshorts. Tight t-shirt. Breasts. High heels. Ohmygod.

Sensing her, I woke. Of course, she freaked out. Started to cry. Stood there hesitantly, wondering what to do or say. All the questions you would expect were thrown at me in one quick instant. “How long have you been doing this?” “When?” “Why?” “What does this mean?” In the meantime, I scrambled. Shoes off. Breastforms out. Standing there in the living room, I as well freaked out quite a bit.

Oddly enough, she ran back into bed… I quickly changed into my boxers and climbed into bed with her. With some reassuring words that I’ve been dressing since long before I met her and that she has nothing to worry about (ie. I’m not cheating on her), she calmed down and fell asleep again. The next day was normal… no further discussion at all, and it hasn’t come up again since.

So I’ve rambled on a bit further than expected. More, especially about the recent advice, later…