And now on to other things

Well, since my month-long mental anguish has finally subsided (thanks Janie, Gabrielle), I can finally get back into random stories from the past and, of course, the wish list items (of which there are many!). Since I’m short on time today, I’ll have to put off the next story in line until next week (hopefully). Today, you just get a wish list item.

All of the pointers that I read seem to suggest that the most critical part of passing occurs from the shoulders up; basically, the rest of your body is irrelevant if you don’t look confident and comfortable enough up top to be convincing. Fair enough, but how is a girl supposed to get on without some curves? I think it’s time to add a padded panty to the wish list.

I found a message board conversation where someone was saying that most padded panties place hip padding too high for crossdressers, basically that they are meant to supplement already existing feminine hips. They had suggested the Classic Curves, a company that fabricates custom-sized body-enhancers specifically for the transgendered. Their enhancers place the hip padding lower, near the top of the leg, for more realistic results. Of course, they are not cheap and thusly well out of my budget.

And so, I turn to the usual suspects, but still just don’t feel really great about any of the products, even from the more reputable places. So I search again, and find the Bubbles Bodywear and Feel Foxy websites. After cruising around and reading some reviews on each website, I’ve noticed that people generally air concerns about four-pad enhancers, saying that they look too bumpy and show through too clearly. A big plus of one of the products from the Bubbles wesite is that it’s only got two pads, each wrapping around from rear to side for a smoother look.

So, from the Bubbles Bodywear website, I hearby add “The Hipee Brief Padded Panty” (picture below) to my wish list. Of course, this particular item is considerably more affordable than some other things on the list and may end up in my wardrobe not too far down the road!

the hipee brief padded panty from bubbles bodywear. umm, i want.

Welcome advice and a somewhat recent scare (cont.)

(continued from my previous post)

Looking back, after I’ve thought in greater detail about all of this for a few weeks, the moment where I was “caught” earlier this year would/could/should have been the prime time to talk about this further with my girlfriend. But for one reason or another, it just didn’t happen. My being a little bit (ok, a lot) nervous and shaken up following the whole episode didn’t help either. So here I am today… still having not discussed what happened that night or the larger issue, the fact that I am a crossdresser, with my girlfriend fiancee.

Taking into account Janie’s and Gabrielle’s thoughtful advice, here are my thoughts…

• The trust issue/keeping secrets is bad.: that should go without saying. But in a way, it’s not quite a secret anymore, isn’t it? Granted, it should be openly discussed again with my fiancee, but that’s what I’m building myself up to with all of this rambling.

• How important is crossdressing to me? Do I understand why I do it?: These are tough, but necessary questions to consider. I have tried to understand why I dress for a long time, and when I started, it was probably for much different reasons than it is now. But in the end, the only thing that I can conclude is that I enjoy it; it’s not that it feels proper, but it feels good… I’ve always been fascinated by (even jealous of?) the female form, and they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

  It’s fair to say that I’m in touch with my feminine side, the one that boys are raised to suppress as they grow into men, more than “normal”. I’ve always been willing to help my fiancee shop for new clothes (in fact, she prefers that I shop with her, instead of anyone else), and as I’ve mentioned in earlier posts, I’m intensely curious about what it’s like to actually be a woman. While men are tough, harsh, brutish and… handsome, women are shapely, sexy, classy and elegant, seductive and, well… beautiful.

  I have to admit, the idea of being seen as “beautiful” by someone brings a rush of excitement. I’m pretty sure this was the hook that drew me to crossdress when I first began. But as I’ve grown, my mind wanders to what it feels like for a woman to have sex with a man, the thought of being a woman during sex brings the same rush of excitement (more on that some other time). It’s supplemented my original desire to be seen as beautiful.

• Be prepared for questions and potential fallout.: As much as I love crossdressing and would love to continue to grow in that aspect, the thought of losing my fiancee because of it frightens the shit out of me. Actually, it’s so not even an option (losing her) that I’m willing to give it up, absolutely, no questions asked, if it ever came to that. However, I don’t think it will come to that because of how things have been since I was caught (in essence, a non-issue with her; admittedly, it’s more of a don’t ask/don’t tell kind of situation, but at least she’s still here with me now. That’s got to stand for something, right?). Nonetheless, I’m confident saying that when the topic comes up again, I am definitely prepared to answer the questions she will most certainly have.

• No surprises and timing is everything: OK, don’t worry, I’m not going to come home from work one day, kiss her hello, walk into the bedroom, change into a dress and high heels while she’s sitting on the couch, run out into the living room and yell, “Surprise!” It’s just not going to happen that way. However, I’ve run through my head thousands of different ways to tell her that I crossdress and I’ve got a few solid options. Again, timing is everything, but no matter how good the timing and the chosen conveyance, it’s still something that will take a leap to bring up with her. In a way, it’s almost as nerve wracking as choosing the right time to propose her and then actually getting down on my knee and getting the words to come out.

  And last but not least…

• Good luck, it’s a gift and not a disease!: This is obviously the most comforting piece of advice about the subject, and it makes me think that it actually might fly with my fiancee. I’m not expecting to end up at the point where I go out (ahh!) for drinks with her on a Friday night in girl mode, but I think that if she knows it’s something I enjoy doing, she might be able to accommodate it in some way. Of course, there is the ultimate plus side of a partner that is more in touch with her and the potential to spice up one’s sex life. Who knows…

So, I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get this out, but like I said, I’ve been thinking about it a LOT and I needed the time to kind of synthesize everything together. When the day comes, as nervous as I’ll be, I think I’m ready to handle the discussion. Now, when that actually does happen, I don’t know. But I will definitely keep you all posted.

Welcome advice and a somewhat recent scare

Thanks to Janie for her advice-filled post about broaching the subject of crossdressing with a (more specifically, my) significant other. As her post mentions, it’s a response to one of my posts from a while back about how I’m looking forward to when my now fiancee starts school again this fall so I may have a few more opportunities to dress. She also links to a post from Gabrielle over at myCDlife about how to tell your wife that you’re a crossdresser. Between both of these posts, there’s plenty of advice which I will certainly retain for when I do eventually build up the confidence to tell.

But first, a quick story… living with my girlfriend has posed a challenge that by now you know is self-imposed: how to dress without her knowing or finding out. Some nights, we’d go out for a few drinks but stay out later and drink more than anticipated. She would often hurry into bed immediately upon arriving at home, a cross between being a bit drunk and definitely exhausted from a long day and late night, while I would stay up for a bit to watch SportsCenter and head to bed well after she has fallen asleep. Over time, I began to notice that I had an hour or two to myself and I started to take those opportunities to slip into some of the less cumbersome pieces of my wardrobe, with breastforms, high heels and all, and just lounge around dressed comfortably (t-shirt and boyshorts usually). I’d even step out onto our balcony to smoke a quick cigarette, unafraid that someone in an adjacent building might be awake and notice me.

I don’t remember exactly when this happened – I think about 7 or 8 months ago (and for the record, I was going to tell this story as part of the “Old Stories” category sometime soon actually) – but one night while dressed in my typical comfy clothes, I fell asleep on the couch. My girlfriend, having been in bed for almost two hours now, felt that I wasn’t there beside her and woke up. (This happens occasionally, where subconsciously she knows I’m not there, wakes up, finds me passed out in the living room, and wakes me up to come to bed.) But this time…

She came out to the living room and saw me there on the couch… Boyshorts. Tight t-shirt. Breasts. High heels. Ohmygod.

Sensing her, I woke. Of course, she freaked out. Started to cry. Stood there hesitantly, wondering what to do or say. All the questions you would expect were thrown at me in one quick instant. “How long have you been doing this?” “When?” “Why?” “What does this mean?” In the meantime, I scrambled. Shoes off. Breastforms out. Standing there in the living room, I as well freaked out quite a bit.

Oddly enough, she ran back into bed… I quickly changed into my boxers and climbed into bed with her. With some reassuring words that I’ve been dressing since long before I met her and that she has nothing to worry about (ie. I’m not cheating on her), she calmed down and fell asleep again. The next day was normal… no further discussion at all, and it hasn’t come up again since.

So I’ve rambled on a bit further than expected. More, especially about the recent advice, later…